just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize