i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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