The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i will never coherently bang her
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
