my phone needs a breathalizer
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
