Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
