I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
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So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
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She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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