you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
