I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
