I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
