Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
