Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
