woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
