You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
