Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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