he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
