The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
