I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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