just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
