Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
