Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
