I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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