I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
