***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
