I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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