I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
