overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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