glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
