Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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