matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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