Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
