Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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