Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
