last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
A bitchslap is in order.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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