I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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