Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
