I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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