I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
