Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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