well I can't set my house on fire every night
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize