and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
