I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
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I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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