conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
