The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
