I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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