she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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