Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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