I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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