my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Enjoy the penises
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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