Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
