How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
3 2 1 whiskey
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
