I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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