you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
