I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
