tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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