I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
No subtext here. People are naked.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
