if i died would you start the facebook group?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
