Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
