And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So many bounce houses so little time
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
